Me in My Dissertation: The Paper

I believe my life’s work is about building relationships; touching lives at an intimate, real level that goes beyond casual associations. Relationships: it’s a fuzzy term with vague connotations and meanings yet somehow we sense what it means. Relationships are not always positive. We have all experienced negative relationships that have left us wounded and scarred so I need to clarify: my life’s work is about building positive relationships. But it’s more than that. My life’s work is about building positive relationships with people of all ages that have experienced gut wrenching loss. For example, people who have lived through the horror of 9-11 and Katrina, people who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and people who have experienced the sudden, traumatic death of a loved one. Even that description does not get at the heart of what I am trying to express. My life’s work is about building healing relationships with people who are emotionally raw, vulnerable and desperately searching for reassurance and comfort. Like fire fighters who are trained to run into burning buildings while everyone else is running out, I have been called to run towards people who are emotionally broken. I believe it is my sacred duty to do so.

Even as I write this I am flooded with memories. The first event that comes to mind is 9-11. There is the waitress at supper one night who shared her trauma when the events unfolded that fateful day and she was left to agonize about whether or not someone at the school had carried her handicapped son to safety (they had). There is the mailman whose brother had died in the towers but he had not yet stopped to grieve because he had a daunting job to do. There was mail to deliver to offices that no longer existed and people who no longer lived. Sorting all the mail out was an overwhelming and emotional job. There is the successful business man that lived off of savings until they were depleted and he had to humbly come ask for help from the American Red Cross months after the fact. He was grieving for people when he did not even know their name. He talked about the pleasant young lady that worked at StarBucks who started his day off with a smile every morning and there were the other guys he saw routinely on the elevator. He explained how people are creatures of habit so he would often run into the same people on a regular basis somewhere in the towers. He didn’t know their names to compare against the list of deceased so he would never know if they made it or not. He grieved for his friends and coworkers that died, he grieved his former way of life, and he grieved for the strangers he once took for granted every day.

There are memories from Hurricane Katrina. There is Tara from New Orleans, a young woman who gathered all her family and the strangers from the street into her second story apartment to escape the flooding. She took charge, found out who could or couldn’t swim, and went about using all her resources to create makeshift flotation devises. Tara blew up an air mattress, found various things to use as oars and taped together an inflatable palm tree for a life preserver. She had a plan and they were just about to get in ‘The Water’ when a neighbor came to their rescue with a stolen motor boat. The experience was life or death and Tara personally felt responsible for the lives of everyone in her apartment. It was a traumatic and life changing.
There are memories from Marsha, a 42 year old who was told she had terminal gastric cancer with only eight weeks to live. She didn’t believe them and refused to even discuss how her death might impact her three children, ages 16, 18, and 20. Everyone wanted me to confront Marsha’s denial. Marsha wanted me to sit with her and laugh about cancer. She joked about how she used to eat food based on how it tasted going down and since cancer she ate foods based on how it tasted when she threw it up. Marsha needed me to believe that God would heal her. We always closed each visit with a prayer for healing. Marsha lived seven months. I choose to believe her denial bought her an extra five months with those children she loved so dearly and that the time we spent laughing together made it a little more pleasant.

There are memories of the law enforcement departments I have helped after officer involved shootings and a recent line of duty death. There are memories about all the schools I have worked with following traumatic events such as the untimely deaths of students and faculty, multiple suicides, and the total devastation of an entire community following Hurricane Katrina. The memories are numerous. I could literally write a book about what I have learned from each and every person I have built a healing relationship with about trauma, loss, resilience, and hope.

The lessons I have learned motivated me to become a trainer so I could help others understand how to build healing relationships with people in pain. I want my dissertation to be an opportunity to study the literature, strengthen my foundation of knowledge, and to be yet another avenue of continuing my life’s work.